Coping with Previous Loss During Pregnancy

How does a person even start to talk about the loss of a life? For some the loss of life is only applicable to those who are born. For me it is much earlier than that. I felt a strong connection to all the babies we conceived even if they were not a part of our lives for very long. While I know each of us has a different story and experience, I wanted to share mine. I feel blessed for the things I do have and hope this blog doesn’t sound like I am somehow ungrateful for the things I do have. However, it is my story. I did struggle. I had a lot of really hard months trying to conceive. As a couple we cried together and mourned the loss of what could have been. We are not alone in this pain. This is just our part in it.

In total Simone and I had been trying for close to a year to conceive. I would be 30 that year, and Simone 36. We didn’t want to get much older before we started to have kids. We didn’t wait long after getting married to start trying. We got married in August and in early January I got a positive line on a pregnancy test. I was so excited to think we hadn’t had to wait long. I am not great at being patient and waiting month to month to see if we had conceived was much more difficult than I ever could have imagined. The next day after receiving my first positive test I started bleeding. It was a lot, more than I had ever bled before. I went to my doctor where they told me I most likely had an early miscarriage or possibly even a chemical pregnancy. This was hard for me emotionally. I hated that the doctors couldn’t give me a solid answer on what had happened. I just felt like we were left with really no answers. My midwife was very kind and just encouraged us to keep trying and to not lose hope. She reassured us that we would most likely be pregnant within the next month or two, but it really was just the beginning of many months of emotional pain.

We started trying for another baby right away. Now that we had experienced this very early loss I started to become a lot more anxious about the future. I started thinking about how it could be possible for this to happen again. I wondered if we would have to seek extra help conceiving or if it would even be possible to get pregnant again. Every week seemed to drag and drag as I waited and planned for the “best time to try.” When that didn’t seem to work, we took it even further and started doing more at home tests. We would use ovulation tests to find the best time, and soon after that, I started going into crazy pregnancy test mode. I knew that it would do me no good, but I couldn’t help myself. I just kept taking the tests. Even when I knew it was too early, I had no self-control. It started to become my focus every day. At the end of each month, when we found out we hadn’t conceived I’d sit on my back porch and would start to cry. Simone was always so patient and just hugged me and would tell me it would be fine.

5 months passed and with every month I started to get more anxious and depressed. When I started my period in May I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care. I decided that I didn’t want to try any more. It was emotionally draining on me and I felt like I needed a break. Then a few days after my period ended I started to bleed again. This is something that is extremely rare for me. I have never, and I mean NEVER spotted before. I have always had very regular periods. This was something that immediately put me on high alert. I felt like I should maybe take an ovulation test. I wondered if somehow the bleeding was caused by ovulation? It seemed weird to me, but I decided to try it anyway. Well after taking 3 ovulation tests it kept showing really dark lines. This would normally mean that I was ovulating. I can’t explain why I felt this, but I felt like I should take a pregnancy test on top of the 3 ovulation tests. I did, and bam! Super dark lines! I ended up taking like 6 or 7 more tests because I seriously couldn’t believe it! (Also the picture below shows all the tests I took between finding out and just before surgery.)

I was so excited to think I was finally pregnant, but something just didn’t feel right to me. I had done A LOT of studying and I knew that implantation bleeding was not as heavy as a full period. But I had without a doubt had a real period. It was almost like my body didn’t know that I was pregnant. But then how could I have gotten a positive pregnancy test if I just finished my period the day before!? None of it made sense to me. I jumped onto an online chat room focused on trying to conceive. I explained what had happened and waited for answers to come in. I had at least 5 responses from women saying they had all experienced similar things in the past and that each of them had ended in an ectopic pregnancy. As soon as I read it I knew that was what had happened. I knew I had an ectopic pregnancy.

The next morning, I called my doctor’s office crying telling them, “I have an ectopic pregnancy!” You could almost hear the eye roll on the phone. “Mam, are you sure? Those are pretty rare.” She then proceeded to ask me, “Are you in pain.” No. “Do you have a fever?” No. “Do you have a lot of bleeding?” No, just some spotting. She then said, “I am sure you are not having an ectopic pregnancy, but I will schedule a blood test for you to just confirm your pregnancy and then I will have the doctor call you.” I agreed and did the blood test. I didn’t hear back from the doctor that day. But we got the results back and they confirmed that I really was pregnant. I went home and put together a gift for Simone. It was a few days before Father’s Day and I just didn’t feel like I could wait for Sunday to tell him. Month’s earlier I had bought and hid away a shirt that said, “Soccer Dad” and a baby onesie that sported his favorite Italian soccer team.

He came home and I awkwardly told him that I had a gift for him. He seemed surprised but was super happy. He opened it and was just like, “Cool! I love it.” I could tell he didn’t get it, so I egged him on and asked, “Why do you think I gave this to you?” He says, “Because it’s almost Father’s Day.” I said, “yes… are you a father?” He looked really confused and just sat there for a second, and then all at once a lightbulb clicked in his head and he was like, “really?!” Then we just sat on the floor and laughed and cried together. It was a very special moment between the two of us. After we celebrated, I sat him down and told him that I thought this pregnancy might not last long. Being the positive person he his he just told me that we needed to think positive and it would all be okay. I knew that no amount of positive thinking could turn an ectopic pregnancy into a viable one.

As the days went on the doctor had me go in for repeat beta HGC tests. The results weren’t as high as they should have been but were increasing. They sent me in for an ultrasound but couldn’t see anything. I kept telling them that I thought I was at least 4 or 5 weeks pregnant with an ectopic, but because I had just “had a period.” they only looked at my info as if I was just 1 or two weeks. Because of this they really just dismissed what I said and told me that I was too early for them to see anything. They sent me home and told me to come back in a few weeks. They continued to do HCG tests which continued to rise, but very slowly. Then there was an evening about two weeks after that where I started feeling the craziest cramps. It felt like someone was literally stabbing me from the inside. I would bend in half it hurt so bad! It hurt so bad but I also didn’t want to go to the ER. I am not a fan of the ER. I told myself that if it still hurt in the morning when my doctor’s office was open I would go in. I laid in bed all night knowing that it was ectopic, but also kept waiting for the other signs. Bleeding, headache, shoulder pain, fever. None of that came so I just laid in bed and waited for the morning. That next morning the pain was gone. I called my doctor’s office and they told me if I wasn’t in pain any more that it was probably fine. The nurse let me know that cramping in early pregnancy was normal and if I wasn’t having any other signs not to worry. She scheduled me for another ultrasound for which she labeled as “4 weeks” when really, I would have been 8 weeks. So I just waited for that ultrasound.

It was Tuesday July 2nd. I was so scared that morning and I just had this sinking feeling deep inside. I knew what the answer was going to be, but I also hoped with my whole heart that I was wrong. For my other appointments I had gone alone. For this one, I asked Simone to take work off and be there with me. I told him I couldn’t do it alone if it was bad news. I am so thankful he was there for me. We went straight into the ultrasound room. As soon as she started looking we saw huge cysts show up everywhere on the screen. There were huge cysts everywhere. She immediately told us that it wasn’t normal to have so many inflamed cysts. She was slowly moving around trying to count and measure the cysts and that is when I saw our baby. Just a tiny little thing, but I saw his heart beating. We never really found out if it was a boy or a girl, but deep in my heart I always felt it was a boy.

In that one moment I lost my breath. The excitement of seeing something living inside you, but in that same exact second knowing that it is about to end is more than I can even put into words. I felt like my heart broke into a thousand different pieces in that moment and I just started crying. Simone just held my hand and squeezed me tight. The ultrasound tech ran out of the room to go find the doctor and left the two of us alone. We put our heads together and just cried for those few moments alone. Then the doctor came in. We found the baby again and he told us the bad news. He said that he felt like because of the baby’s size and the heartbeat that my tube could explode in minute. He said I would need immediate surgery to remove the baby and my entire right tube. My heart just sank. I was hoping that because it hadn’t ruptured there would be someway to save the tube, but he said that it was not possible. I just remember shaking and being so devastated and scared all at the same time. I had never even had surgery before and so for this to be my first experience with surgery was really frightening.

They told me to leave the office and the OR would call and tell me what time to show up. They set my appointment for 1pm so that gave me a few hours to kind of calm my nerves. (Which by the way never really calmed.) I decided to run to the store and buy a few things that I needed. I didn’t want to go home and do laundry, so I just went and bought new things. Then went home and tried to clean my house. Then we packed a hospital bag in case it was an overnight surgery. And then we just waited together. We just sat on the couch and talked and cried. I had Simone give me a priesthood blessing of comfort and healing. Then Simone drove me over to the hospital.

We checked in and went through all the surgery steps. It’s a weird feeling when everyone around you is just acting normal and living their everyday lives while yours seems to be falling into pieces. I remember Simone taking a picture of me waiting in the bed and I smiled. I don’t know why I even smiled because there was nothing happy about that moment, but it just didn’t feel right not to. Even today it’s weird for me to look back at those pictures.

I think some of the scariest parts for me was having the doctor come in and having me sign and acknowledge that if the circumstances were to arise that they might have to remove more than just a tube. The thought of never being able to have children again was more than I could handle, and I just kept crying and crying. The doctor held my hand and said he would do everything he could to make that not happen. Then they gave me the medicine through my IV. They wheeled me back into the OR and had me switch beds. I remember we were talking about how long people stayed awake before the medicine kicked in and that’s the last thing I remembered.

When I woke up in recovery the nurse leaned over and asked what my pain level was. I think the first thing I asked her was if they took out everything. She told me no, and that it was just part of my right tube. I was just laying there not moving and I didn’t feel much so finally I responded and said, “I think a five.” Then I coughed. And started screaming. I think in that moment all the pain smacked me at once! It seriously hurt SO bad! I really had never experienced pain like this. It felt like someone had just cut into my body, which I mean, they had! Ha So I started crying, “It’s a 10 it’s a 10.” She grabbed something and gave it to me. Maybe a minute later she asked how I was and said it’s still a 10. Then it was a blur. I then remember being wheeled back into the room where my mom, dad and Simone were all waiting for me. My parents, after learning what was happening, dropped everything and drove down to St. George to help me. Bless them so much for coming to help us! I remember the nurse insisting that I sit up right now! I kept crying asking her to just give me 30 seconds to mentally prepare. She said no, and told me it had to be right now. I screamed and cried and she forced me to sit up. I still don’t know who that nurse is, but she may be the only person in the world that I hate.

I cried some more. I was in and out of consciousness and the pain kept bringing me back. I remember my mom and Simone helping me get dressed. I remember my dad leaving to go get the pain killers from the pharmacy. Then they wheeled me out to the car and off we went. I don’t remember even getting back into the house, I just remember a lot of crying and then a lot of sleeping. The next 24 hours I just slept and cried. I am so grateful to the three of them that took care of me during this time. They did my laundry and helped me eat and get medicine. I could not have done this without them. I felt like this was the worst of it. And for the physical pain this is true. But I had no idea that the emotional pain would linger long after this moment.

There were a lot of things that happened between this moment and finding out we were pregnant again. Those things will need to be told another day. But about 2 months later we found out we were pregnant again. Again…this is totally another story for another day. But overall we were so happy to find out that we were expecting again.

Soon afterwards I would start to experience such strong guilt for still being sad. I would think of my friends who have experienced much worse. My friends who have lost their living children, and those who can never conceive, and those who have been trying for years and years, not just months. I would feel depressed and guilty about my own sorrow because others have had it worse. This cycle of grief just kept going in a circle. I would feel bad that I felt bad, and then end up feeling worse off. Finally, I had to tell myself that just because someone else has it worse, doesn’t make my pain any less real.

For more than 10 years I lived in Sunny St. George. I LOVED it there! One of the main reasons I loved it so much is because of the weather. I have always hated the cold. But despite popular belief, St. George can get cold. Today for example it is December 5th. The temperature in St. George is 48*. The temperature up north is 42*. I used to call home and tell my family. It feels so cold today. And they would always respond with, “It’s colder here.” Colder by 6* isn’t that big of a gap. I would always try to explain, “Just because it is colder there, doesn’t mean it isn’t cold here.” There is always going to be somewhere else colder. There will always be someone else who is worse off. But that doesn’t mean we have to discredit what is happening where we are. We can be sad and still recognize that others have it worse. But this recognition doesn’t mean we have to force ourselves to be happy in the moments that are extremely hard for us.

Every one in this world will experience sorrow. It is okay. Without the sorrow we wouldn’t know what it feels like to be happy. It is the opposites that allow us to know the difference. It is okay to cry, it is okay to be sad. Everyday we must chose to keep going. Just take one day at a time. Don’t worry about the next week or the next year. Just focus on today. Just make it through today. And then repeat.

I am so happy to know that I have a cute baby boy on the way. But I also miss my other babies. I wish I could have had them all in this life. My heart is happy and sad all at the same time. And I have come to realize that it is okay. I hope that someday, this message will reach someone else who needed to hear it. I hope they will realize that it is okay to feel sad even when they are blessed with so much.

Right after my surgery I had a friend who messaged me this sweet picture. I loved it so much and wanted to share it. I know that I am not the only one who has suffered a loss. But I hope that all of us can find comfort in knowing that our babies are with God and that we can see them again some day.